Insomnia

Have you ever had trouble sleeping? The house is quiet, everyone else is asleep, and you're just lying there staring into the dark, thinking about everything you have to do for the next ten years and everything that's ever gone wrong in your life and everything you've ever lost and where it might be and everyone who's ever made you mad and how stupid they are... And so on. Have you? And while you're lying there, have you ever started listening to the person next to you? You hear their even, heavy breathing that borders on snoring and the squeaking of the springs under them as they roll over. Have you? And while you listen, has it ever just started to tick you off? You start thinking about how unfair it is that they can fall asleep in five minutes, no matter where they are or what's going on, even though you take an hour to fall asleep even on a good night. You think about how you're the one that has to get up multiple times in the night to feed your baby while they get to keep snoring soundly and so you need to get all the sleep you can in between because you also have to get up early for work, and yet THEY'RE the one who actually get all of that sleep. Have you? And as you get angrier and angrier at the injustice of it all, have you ever thought that if you can't sleep, they don't deserve to either? And then, have you ever suddenly just kicked them in the leg as hard as you can so they can wake up and see how miserable you are and share some of that misery by being awake, too? Have you? And once they're awake, have you ever suddenly realized what you've done and how unreasonable you're being and felt really bad about it? You realize you're really just mad at your own body and you're taking it out on them when they haven't actually done anything wrong. Have you? And have you ever felt so bad and embarrassed about it that you try to pretend that isn't what just happened? Maybe you pretend you had one of those uncontrollable almost asleep full body spasms and it got out of control. Or perhaps you try to convince them that you didn't touch them at all and they must have dreamed it. Have you? And as they fell back asleep almost immediately and you lay there, still not even close to drifting off, have you suddenly remembered how insufferable they are and wished you'd kicked them as hard as they really deserved? Have you ever done that? Have you? Yeah, me neither...

Life Lesson Learned: He's probably not really trying to sound smug while he snores... Probably.

The Peasants Revolt... Or at Least They Should

People of the world, the time has come when we must rise up against the tyranny and oppression under which we now live. Some of you may wonder what oppression I'm talking about. You may be trying to remember if your rights were somehow infringed upon while you did laundry or went out for ice cream. (They did only give you ONE scoop of sprinkles, after all!) But, no! I'm talking about an oppression that is much, much more... oppressive! I'm talking about ending the evil reign of the Groundhog!! Why do we let him tell us when we have to just buck up and deal with our misery and when we can finally move on with our lives? How long will we allow ourselves to be kept under the thumb of a fat, furry little dictator who doesn't even HAVE thumbs?!
Okay, maybe it's not really THAT bad. But, every year I feel a little more like maybe that isn't so far off the mark. When I think about different seasons, I kind of picture different personalities. You know, the kind of thing I mean. Summer is kind of like a little girl running barefoot through a park chasing frogs. Fall is an old woman in a really big, floppy hat who is throwing a tea party. (Is that cheesy enough, or should I add some lines about youthful innocence and stately pride?) But, lately, I feel more like Spring is a hormonal, moody teenager who has locked herself in her room and refuses to come out. And winter is that crotchety old woman down the street who steals your soccer ball when it goes on her lawn and who only keeps living out of spite toward all the people who would like to see her dead.
So, the only solution I see is to get rid of that fat little groundhog who keeps us imprisoned in winter for so long, and replace him with someone more appropriate. Like maybe a gerbil or something. Viva la Revolucion!

Life Lesson Learned: Down with the groundhog overlord!!

The Cutest Baby Ever

Okay. There's something I have to say that some may find offensive. I hope it won't make anyone too angry but it can't be helped. Okay, here goes: my kid is cuter than yours. There! I've said it. Hopefully we can all still be friends. I'm sure someone out there would like to argue with me, but it's true. And to prove it, I offer the following evidence:

Case closed. Now, I'm not trying to say your kid isn't cute. I'm just pointing out that mine is cuter. Because, ALL babies are cute, right? WRONG! And this brings me to my point. There are some really ugly babies out there. Okay, not ugly. Weird-looking. There are some really weird-looking babies out there. See, there's just no good way to say it. Some babies just aren't cute. I know I sound like a horrible person, but I never claimed to be anything else. The truth is, most babies are pretty cute. Probably 99 times out of 100 a baby will get the "Awwwwww!" response we all pretty much expect. But sometimes a baby comes along that gets more of a puzzled "Huh." You can deny it 'til you're as blue in the face as a weird-looking baby, but I bet everyone's seen at least one little bundle of joy who reminded them a bit too much of Groucho Marx or Rodney Dangerfield. (Or both! *shudder*) But no matter how much a baby actually looks like a 90-year-old elf, the parents always seem to think he/she is the most beautiful baby ever born.
So a few months ago, while I was pregnant with my first baby, I made a decision. I decided that if I had an ugly baby, I wanted to know. I asked a friend to tell me when the baby was born if he was ugly. Most mothers would be ridiculously offended by that, but I was determined. Of course it wouldn't make me love him less, but I'd know what was what. (Okay. I admit, I don't think I was ever really serious about this. But I seriously did hope I'd be able to tell if my kid was one of the weird-looking ones.) My friend's answer was that under no circumstances would she tell me my baby was ugly. But it did get us talking about the cute baby phenomenon. In nature, baby animals are almost universally the most adorable things we can think of. Even if you don't really like cats or dogs, a kitten or a puppy could still probably get you to do anything it wanted.

Go ahead. Say no to us. We dare you.

And there is, of course, a reason for this. It's a survival thing. It's hard to let something bad happen to something so sweet. Animals basically need to think their babies are cute, no matter what, so they will instinctively want to protect them. I can almost picture it now. There's the mother blobfish showing off her adorable new baby while all the other animals hem and haw and refuse to make eye contact.

Oh, look. He has his father's nose!

And people are basically the same. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has helped give us a reason to take care of our own offspring. We all see our own kids as the best that genetics could possibly have to offer. That way, we put up with changing diapers and getting puked on on a daily basis instead of abandoning our kids in the forest to be raised by wolves, who may or may not want to raise them anyway, depending on how cute they think they are. Thinking our kids are cute makes us want to care for something that needs our help. So I guess being another clueless parent who is blindly, ridiculously proud of their adorable baby is not such a bad thing. At least my kid is one of the cute ones. And if he isn't, I don't want to know!

Life Lesson Learned: Nature knows best.

A Glimpse Inside My Head (a Scary Place to Live)

Not long ago (in response to one of my deep, philosophical musings on life that took place where all the other true intellectuals like me hang out, i.e. Facebook) a friend recommended that I start a blog. That got me thinking about all the entertaining, insightful, and downright profound things I have to say about life and how I can't imagine that they would be very interesting to anyone except me. (And I'm not even positive that I could keep my own attention for long!) But, I thought about it anyway. I do seem to have what you might call a "unique" perspective on life. (Basically that means that I think life is super funny, but mostly it seems to be the kind of funny where I'm laughing so hard I've got tears running down my face and everyone else is looking at me weird because what I'm laughing at isn't funny and doesn't make sense.) And, as I get older, I can't help but think of all the lessons I've learned from seemingly insignificant moments in life. (Like the time I started a blog and learned just how many sets of parentheses you can get away with in one paragraph before someone smacks you. Ah, good times!) All of that could possibly add up to something that is at least slightly more entertaining than trying to find shapes in the texturing on the ceiling. (Which is like looking for shapes in the clouds, but adapted for those of us too lazy to get off the couch and go outside.) So, after giving it the careful consideration due to a decision of this magnitude (I forgot for a month and then consulted a magic 8 ball) I decided, why not? I still don't think it'll be so fascinating to anyone else, but at least I'll have something to fall back on when all the ceiling shapes start to look the same. (Oh, look, another dragon pulling a Radio Flyer wagon full of penguins.) And so, I now present to you, a few of the lessons life has tried to teach me and a bunch of the lessons I decided to learn instead. Enjoy!